Of Simple Words & Simple Things

Friday, April 14, 2006

Your Ideal Relationship Report

wanting, the thing you need most in a relationship is Quiet Stability.

In your ideal world, you would like a relationship structure that is fairly well set — one that doesn't change too often. Although relying on this routine may make it more difficult for you to cope with the inevitable fluctuations within any relationship, you're willing to risk that so you can have a strong sense of stability, security, and privacy with your partner. Because you and your partner would ideally have your patterns set, you'd likely encounter little conflict, and would enjoy the freedom to do your own thing. You desire a comfortable balance of routine and independence, and as long as neither partner's needs are being ignored, neither of you would need a demanding level of intimacy.

There are 2 overarching themes that determine the kind of relationship you ultimately desire: the kind of intimacy you want to have with your partner, and the amount of flexibility you want to have within your relationship.

But as concepts, "intimacy" and "flexibility" might seem too broad and vague to fully comprehend. Because of this, psychologists have broken them down into subscales that will help you understand more clearly what intimacy and flexibility really mean for you in the context of a relationship.

The kind of intimacy you want is determined by three subscales: the kind of support you want, the depth of connection you want, and the amount of sharing you'd like to do with your partner.

The amount of flexibility you want is also determined by three subscales: who's in control of the relationship, how much do you want you and your partner to grow with one another, and how many formal rules or guidelines do you want to establish in your relationship.

When taken as a whole, all of these scales together help identify the relationship best suited for you, they determine your ideal relationship. Read on to understand more about them, and to see how you scored on all of them.

Intimacy

Your score = 67 /100

Your ideal relationship involves a low level of intimacy. Basically, intimacy describes the level of emotional closeness that you desire in your ideal relationship. More specifically, when it's broken down, the level of intimacy you desire is determined by three distinct ideals: how much support you need, the depth of connection that you desire, and the amount of sharing you want to do with your partner. These three elements of intimacy — support, depth of connection, and sharing — are described below. But generally what this means is your ideal relationship is characterized by a lot of independence. Although it is important to you to be in a relationship, you will not rely on it for all of your emotional needs. You don't need to be supported by your partner at every turn nor do you feel that it is necessary to share all of your experiences and feelings with one another. For you, a personal bond with your partner can exist even without a high level of intimacy.

As indicated earlier, your intimacy score is composed of three parts: support, depth of emotional connection, and levels of sharing. Given its complexity, intimacy can look quite different from one relationship to the next. You can get a better idea of what makes you more or less of an intimacy-seeker by looking further into these three aspects of intimacy.

Support

Your score = 8 / 10

Supportiveness is characterized by the level of acceptance you have of one another's flaws, the fairness of your interactions, as well as the level of respect and trust you have for one another. These traits vary depending on your personalities and how strongly you feel about one another.

In your case you desire a very strong level of support in your ideal relationship. You believe that if you can be trusting and respectful towards one another, it will permeate everything the two of you do together. You are accepting and warm, generous with one another, and determined to be fair.

Depth of Connection

Your score = 5 /10

Depth of Connection refers exactly to the level of connectedness in a relationship. When you're deeply connected with someone, you're sensitive to the time you spend together and the frequency with which you are together. At this level of connection, any change in your bond can be disruptive. Depth of connection also refers to the degree to which each of you strive to accept and understand one another as a unique individual. Lastly, depth of connection also involves how much communication you desire and the amount of unity you want in your relationship; some couples remain more separate than others even though they are committed to the relationship, while others prefer such a close merger that the two people effectively become one.

In your case your ideal relationship has a moderate level of depth. You are connected and bonded, but not necessarily joined at the hip. It's important to you to maintain some of your individuality but at the same time you enjoy closeness and true companionship. You want to know your partner well, but you're not as likely as some to spend hours talking about who you are and what you desire in a relationship.

Sharing

Your score = 7 / 10

People share many things in a relationship. You may share some aspects of yourself and not others. Or it might be very important to you to share everything. How much sharing you desire depends on your need for privacy as well as how well you want to understand life from another person's perspective. Sharing means telling each other about what you're thinking and feeling, the life decisions you're trying to make, your dreams and hopes, as well as your past experiences. Disclosing these things is more comfortable for some than it is for others.

In your case your ideal relationship is full of sharing. You want to know your partner's dreams, thoughts, feelings, aspirations, hopes, past experiences — the list is really endless. And you want to share the same with them. This level of disclosure and intimacy is what makes a relationship complete for you — your ideal relationship, at least. You want to share your life with your partner as fully as you can. For you, that means building a partnership where you can be honest with what you are feeling and where there are no surprises jumping out at you as a result of your partner failing to fully share with you.

Now let's look at the second dimension that helps determine the shape your ideal relationship should take.

Flexibility

Your score = 42 / 100

Your ideal relationship also involves a low level of flexibility. Flexibility refers to many different things, including your willingness to grow with your romantic partner over time, both as they change as well as when you change. Flexibility indicates your tolerance for weathering storms and for enduring those difficult challenges in life that arise. It also includes the balance of control in your ideal relationship -- the more that either party is controlling the relationship, the less flexibility there is. We will delve into each of these aspects later sections of this report. But generally what it means for you is your ideal relationship is one in which one on you holds more power and control than the other in the relationship. You desire many rules, regulations, and mutual understandings that will keep your relationship structured and less prone to confusion or conflict. In this relationship, change is usually unwelcome due to your comfort with the status quo.

Now let's take a closer look at various aspects of your flexibility score. For this test, your overall flexibility score is determined by three subscores: control, growth, and formality. You can get a better idea of what makes you more or less of a flexibility-seeker by looking further into these three areas and by seeing how you measure up on the different scales.

Control

Your score = 5 / 10

Control is determined by evaluating several different aspects of the power balance in a relationship. First is something called "locus of control," which essentially indicates whether or not you feel that you have some hand in steering the direction of your relationship. Obviously it takes two to tango in a relationship, but that doesn't always mean that each of you have an equal feeling of control. For example, does one of you tend to always get blamed when something goes awry while the other receives every bit of credit when all is well? Another aspect is the authority you assume or want others to have over you — do you like to take charge in a relationship or do you like your partner to have the reins? Lastly, control involves the division of responsibilities that each party in a relationship is willing to take on. Essentially, do you want to handle all of the tasks in your relationship or would you prefer for your partner to do almost everything for you?

In your case you don't want to make all the decisions or assume all of the responsibility, nor do you want your relationship partner to do it all either. It is when things are most balanced that you feel most comfortable with the power dynamic in your relationship.

Growth

Your score = 8 / 10

Your desire for growth with your romantic partner is the second area that contributes to the overall flexibility dimension. Desire for growth varies greatly from person to person and is dependent on several different things. First, growth is assessed by your willingness to weather the changes in your relationship and by how much change you are comfortable and capable of enduring. This aspect gives an indication of just how much you would be willing to sacrifice in order to stay in a relationship that is working for you. Are you out the door at the first sign of danger or are you willing to take the changes in stride so that you can stay together? When your partner goes through hard times, will you be there when they emerge from their slump? All of this is indicated in your growth results.

In your case your ideal relationship is very strong and committed to growth. Regardless of the changes that you may face, you will stick together. You are willing to sacrifice a lot for one another and for what you think is right. No problem is too big for you to deal with together— you are committed to doing everything you can to work things through.

Formality

Your score = 4 / 10

Formality is third component of the flexibility dimension. It indicates the degree to which you desire a structure and a set of guidelines to govern your relationship. Rules are the biggest part of formality and where you can see the most notable differences between partners — some people run their personal lives as a business and others operate as a free-for-all. Depending on the level of guidelines, rules, and conventions you are comfortable with, your formality score will vary.

In your case your ideal relationship is not that formal. Sure you have some boundaries and a few rules here and there, but for the most part you are not constrained in what you can do in your relationship and in your life together. You see no need to keep up the walls of formality that can often be found in more business-like relationships. Instead you are committed to a level of personal freedom as long as the health of the relationship remains top-of-mind.

At this point, you should have a really clear picture of what your ideal relationship looks like. This in-depth understanding of what you value should be helpful to you as you continue the quest for your life partner. After all, if you know what you want, you are more likely to recognize it when you see it.

But, once you find your mate, it is likely that you will hit some bumps in the road — after all, it is rare relationship that doesn't have some difficulties. As such, we want to give you some personal insight and tools that can help you avert relationship problems and pave the road for a smooth relationship ride.

Problems You Might Encounter

Every relationship has problems, so you should come to expect some difficulties and do what you can to prepare for them — without also driving yourself crazy trying to stop bad things from happening. Depending on your relationship style, there are some particular problems that you are most likely to experience in your ideal relationship. You may not be able to prevent these problems from happening altogether, but when they do strike, perhaps you will be able to solve them more quickly.

Ultimately, with enough practice, you will be able to spot problematic patterns that are inherent to your relationship style and even anticipate them before they happen. That way you can keep your relationship in tip-top shape. After all, we all know that the ideal relationship is hard to come by. But with an understanding of your personal relationship style, creating a relationship closer to your ideal is well within your reach.

As you recall, your ideal relationship style is characterized by Quiet Stability. You tend to have a relatively low desire for intimacy and not much flexibility in the face of your relationship. You savor your privacy and a sense of control and are not eager to put a lot of effort into getting emotionally connected with your partner. As with every other relationship type, this style can present its own set of problems. However, this combination is particularly difficult because both partners are set in their ways and inherently inexpressive. Thus, when conflict arises, both people can feel a little lost in knowing how to deal with the difficulties and how to ultimately resolve them. You may find yourself stifled in patterns in which there are problems that nobody will talk about. The potential hazard of this tendency is only aggravated by the fact that both partners also desire lots of control. This combination can be really problematic for the long-term.

Although this relationship style is most comfortable for you, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's most advantageous for you. Nor will you likely get the greatest satisfaction out of your ideal relationship by operating in this way. It might be worth it to really look at these dimensions and at your results to see if this really is the way you want to be approaching things. After all, we are talking about a lifelong romantic relationship. If you're not at that stage in your life right now — or if you never will be — then a low level of intimacy and a high need for control may be comfortable and suitable, even for the long-term.

Now that you have some actionable information for how to avoid the potential pitfalls of your relationship style, let's take a look at how committed you are to finding true love.

Your Desire for Commitment

In the Ideal Relationship test, we asked about your interest in long-term love and your willingness to commit in general. From your answers, Tickle has generated your commitment level score. This is based on your ideas about long-term relationships, ever-lasting love, and how focused on finding a partner you personally think you are.

On a scale from 1 to 10, you scored 7.

As you could probably guess, there really is no right or wrong answer to what constitutes the perfect level of commitment. What matters most is what feels best for you at this moment and that you are clear with yourself about what you want before you throw your efforts into a relationship.

No matter the level of commitment you desire, it is usually best to communicate what you want upfront. However, this is easier-said-than-done, because most of the time people don't have the benefit of knowing where they really fall on the commitment spectrum until it becomes clear later on in a relationship.

You may think that you have no interest in a serious relationship — and then one day you meet that spectacular someone. Or the reverse may occur and you may suddenly realize that you really don't want a relationship after all. Fear is one huge obstacle to a commitment, whether it's something a person realizes they have or not, and it can derail what could be an ideal relationship. Given that commitment desires are hard to pinpoint, even in yourself, it's a good idea to at least try to align goals for the relationship and to get straight with your partner on your general feelings about love.

Relationships that Work

What works in a relationship can vary greatly from one couple to the next. After all, each individual has unique needs so there couldn't possibly be one secret formula for creating a perfect relationship for everyone. However, research does show that there are patterns that tend to lead more often to mutually satisfying, pleasurable and steady relationships.

You can look at your ideal relationship qualities as examined in this report and compare them to the qualities that have been shown to be characteristic of relationships that work. Based on this comparison you can decide whether the ideal relationship in your head is the one you want to keep for all time, or whether you'd like to bend it a bit to match more of what has been shown to work for others. Granted, what works for others might not work for you, so in the end, you may to need to simply listen to your gut and follow your heart.

10 ways to make your relationship more successful:

Make sure you want to be in a relationship and that the person you are with is right for you.
Give your partner the benefit of the doubt — assume that they are trying their best to make you happy and are acting with your best interests in mind.
Be a little flexible in terms of how much closeness and togetherness you need.
Learn how to communicate in ways that will promote your relationship and build closeness and understanding between you. For example, show respect, not criticism.
Learn how to love yourself and how to be in touch with your own emotions — don't deny or suppress what you may be feeling or thinking.
Find ways to keep the passion in your relationship alive.
Learn to tolerate adversity and stress.
Experience life together as an adventure.
Accept each other's idiosyncrasies when it comes to sex — working it out can only maximize pleasure.
Take time out of each day to grow your relationship together.

(A really lengthy post on this personality test that I took. Some true, but some not.)

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