Of Simple Words & Simple Things

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Relationship Color Test

Your relationship color is Blue

This means that you tend to be a cooperative partner whose listening and negotiation skills are first rate. Above all, you seem to try to keep the lines of communication open between you and the one you love. In your mind, it's usually far better to talk about problems as they arise rather than sweeping them under the rug. For you to really feel connected to your special someone, it's important that they hear and understand you. Ordinarily, you'll return this courtesy tenfold by paying close attention to your partner's perspective when they have something to say.

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IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP STYLE
If you've made a conscious decision to improve your relationship style, you can start by taking an honest look at the ways that you currently communicate. Here are a few ways that people sabotage and enhance their relationships; see how many apply to you:

RELATIONSHIP SABOTAGERS

Negative Criticism
In this context, negative criticism is a generalized statement about your partner's overall character that places blame firmly in their court. For example, saying, "You are so lazy. This place is always such a mess!" is liable to make your partner feel blamed and attacked. A more healthy way to communicate this feeling as a specific complaint might be, "I feel like the kitchen is really a mess lately. I could really use your help to keep it clean."

Disdain
If you let your bad feelings and criticisms of your partner build up over time, you may begin to feel real disdain for them. When this happens, you can end up resenting your partner on a very personal level. At such times, criticisms tend to become even more insulting. You may even begin throwing around harsh words in an effort to wound your partner. Imagine someone yelling at you, saying, "Why are you such an incredible slob? I can't believe I have to live in such a pig sty with a little piggy like you!" Ugly comments like these can really sting. If you find yourself saying cruel things that you'd never want turned around on you, try neutralizing your disdain by communicating a more specific, accurate complaint. Manipulating your partner with harsh words is sure to make matters worse.

Defensiveness
When you or your partner feels personally attacked, you're likely to respond by being defensive. Strategies of defense include making up excuses, denying responsibility, retaliating with a counterattack, and whining. There are so many ways that a person can act defensively that it is difficult to say exactly how it may manifest in you or your partner. However, one thing consistent across different types of defensiveness is the feeling that you've been painted in a bad light and need to explain yourself or your actions. If you find yourself feeling this way, you can bet you are acting defensively. Although it can be hard, try to think objectively at times like these. Owning up to your responsibilities and making room for your partner's perspectives can go a long way to diffusing any dispute.

Non-participation
When you, your partner, or both of you feel very attacked by the other, it can seem hopeless to try to defend yourself. At these times, you're likely to retreat rather than participating in either the argument or the relationship as a whole. During tough times, you can watch for this reaction in yourself and your partner. Nonparticipation tends to manifest itself through blank stares or disturbingly neutral behavior. They even may stop talking completely. Such behavior makes progress extremely difficult.

RELATIONSHIP ENHANCERS

Respect
By feeling proud of who your partner is and appreciating their achievements, you actually build a stronger foundation for your relationship. The more interested you remain in who your partner is as an individual, the more you will value and honor their presence in your life. This will make the two of you infinitely better as a couple.

Compassion
When you understand your partner so fully that you can empathize with both their experiences and the reasons they do the things they do, you set the stage well to forgive them when they make a mistake in your relationship. Everyone makes errors once in a while. With compassion as your guide, you'll be more prepared to weather the inevitable sticky spots every couple faces.

Gratitude
Try to spend a little time each day thinking of why you're grateful to have your partner in your life. If you make a conscious effort to feel gratitude for your partner and your relationship, you reaffirm the choice you made to share yourself with that person. When the going gets tough, you'll know why you're in your relationship and why it's worth the effort to maintain it.

1. Fighting is bad for a relationship and often indicates bigger, underlying problems.
False. Often, depending on a couple's relationship dynamic, important issues can surface and be resolved through periods of intense discussion or arguing.

2. Bickering poisons a relationship.
Not necessarily. Some relationships flourish even with a constant stream of bickering. What is most important to a relationship is the intention behind the communication. If a couple bickers as a way to work out minor disagreements, it can be healthy for them. However, if the bickering is intended to hurt or criticize, it will likely erode the relationship.

3. Women are more comfortable with emotional discussions than men are.
True. While it may sound sexist, research has shown that by and large, women are indeed more comfortable discussing emotions. Differences in the socialization of girls and boys appear to give women a leg up when it comes to understanding and confronting emotional issues.

4. The more often a couple has sex, the happier they will be.
False. The amount of sex a couple has doesn't matter. What matters is that both people are happy with both the quantity and quality of sex in their relationship. In addition, the way a couple handles sexual problems when they arise will affect how happy they will be with their sex life.

5. If you have financial problems, your relationship is much more likely to break up.
False. Relationships that are strong before financial difficulties, remain strong under monetary strain. In fact, these couples sometimes become stronger as they join together to face their problems. On the other hand, relationships that were weak to begin with tend to be torn apart by the additional pressure financial problems can cause.

6. Happy couples do not freely express their anger.
False. Expressing anger when necessary is a sign of a healthy relationship. An unhealthy relationship will also express contempt and negative criticism along with anger. On the other hand, a healthy relationship will acknowledge the presence of anger without assigning blame. This allows relationship issues to be heard, understood, and dealt with.

7. Compatibility is the key to a successful relationship.
True. The more compatible a couple is, especially when it comes to the way they communicate and handle difficulties, the more successful their union will be in the long term.

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